if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
