i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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