I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize