Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
