Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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