PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
