a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
