Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
