i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
