My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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