your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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