He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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