My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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