I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
