you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
