Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
