it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
