you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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