theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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