I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
