Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
