I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
