Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
