dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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