guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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