Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I would ride that face into the sunset
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
