Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
