i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
