I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
