I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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