my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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