Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
