I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
