The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Everclear isn't food dammit
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize