I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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