he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
