happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
it glows. i had to have it.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you had me at cake vodka
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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