too bad you live with your parents still
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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