I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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