I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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