he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You smell like stripper and shame
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Randomize
