office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
