My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
you had me at cake vodka
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
