i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
