I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize