Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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