we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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