while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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