i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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