my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
