took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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