my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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