I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
