you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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