fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
