im six kinds of drunk right now
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
