i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
