I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
