You really coming over, don't trick.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
